


i won't hesitate, just tell me where to start

by waterybrains



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-11
Updated: 2020-03-11
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:33:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23104021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waterybrains/pseuds/waterybrains
Summary: “I’m really proud of you, you know, for telling the kids today.” The sentiment spills out of her before she can stop it, and she freezes as soon as it comes out of her mouth, braces herself for the way Vanessa’s going to react.(Set post the scenes that aired Tuesday, March 10th 2020)
Relationships: Charity Dingle/Vanessa Woodfield
Comments: 13
Kudos: 111





	i won't hesitate, just tell me where to start

She’s tried to stop it, has felt it coming for days: the onslaught of tears that threaten to spill every time she so much as _thinks_ about what Vanessa is facing. So all things considered - she thinks she’s holding it together pretty well.

But Sarah’s words won’t stop echoing in her mind. 

_You can’t say for certain that she’s not going to die_ plays over, and _over_ and **over** again in her mind until she’s crumbling under the weight of Sarah’s words. 

And the tears - the tears that she’s been carefully holding back since she found out about Vanessa’s cancer, they finally fall. 

It doesn’t feel like she’s ever going to stop crying. 

She’s never known what it’s _really_ like - wanting to be strong for other people. Never realized how lonely it was. How it leaves you feeling bare to the bones, but she wants to do it all anyway. She wants to be strong for Vanessa.

She would take all of Vanessa’s pain away in a heartbeat if she could.And it’s not just because Vanessa has gotten her through so much; has been by her side through every single storm she keeps summoning to her car-crash of her life. Vanessa has stood by her through all of it, _unwavering and gorgeous with it - e_ ven when Charity makes it impossible for her, and Charity just wants to do the same for her. Just because she loves Vanessa. She wants to show Vanessa she can support her through this whole thing now too. 

But she knows she’s no good at it, is probably the last person anyone would ever pick if they wanted someone to support them. She _knows_ ; that when it comes down to it, Vanessa deserves better than her. 

And Tracy’s right, the best thing she could do for Vanessa is probably to _back off_. 

But she’s too selfish for that, couldn't possibly stay away from Vanessa, even if she tried. 

Never in her life has she ever imagined that she’d be in this position, _wanting to take care of someone so desperately_ it physically hurts _,_ and she’s not prepared for everything that comes with it. 

So she cries and cries and she doesn’t stop. 

She cries for Vanessa, she cries for the kids, and she cries a little bit for herself too. 

She cries because she’s angry, because she feels helpless and because she’s _sad_.

And she cries because she’s _scared._

She presses her forearm to her mouth, trying to muffle the sound of her sobs when another wave of it hits. She hopes it does the job, that no one can hear her pathetic weeping. She needs to get herself together. Vanessa and the kids are right upstairs, and the last thing they all need is to come down and find her coming apart at the seams. 

She hears footsteps coming down the stairs and she quickly shakes her head, lets her hair fall around her face. Her hands swipe at the tear-tracks that stain her cheeks and she wipes her eyes, blinks away the tears that were just there moments ago until they're gone. She takes a deep breath and braces herself for who she’s about to face, keeping her fingers crossed that whoever it is didn’t see that she was just having a meltdown into the sleeve of her shirt. 

Vanessa’s standing by the landing of the stairs when she looks up. Her head is tilted slightly, and there’s a question in her eyes when she looks at Charity. Charity isn’t sure if Vanessa saw her little wobble.

She’s too much of a coward to ask. 

“Hey," She manages shakily and musters up a smile for Vanessa’s benefit. A quiet sigh of relief escapes her when Vanessa smiles at her in return, "Thought you were going for a bath?”

“Forgot my phone down here somewhere,” Vanessa says, and she starts fumbling around the room: walks over to the kitchen to scan the surface of the counters before she heads towards the dining table, “I wanted to listen to some music while I take my bath.” She shifts things around to check if she can find her phone there and Charity's grateful for the time it gives her to collect herself. 

Vanessa moves to the sofa next when she runs out of luck on the dining table, and there’s a proud little grin on her face when she finally finds her phone, tucked away somewhere between the pillows. “Found you,” She squeaks at the device in her hand like it can hear her before she turns to Charity, a blush creeping up her cheeks at the intensity of her stare, “Figured I’d take your advice. Relax a little.”

“That’s a really good idea, babe,” Charity is surprised that her voice comes out steady when she speaks, “Finally, she listens to me.” She jokes lamely. 

“Well, you give good advice, sometimes," She scrunches up her nose and looks kindly at Charity - her eyes boring deeply into Charity's even from a distance. Vanessa's _really_ looking at her. It makes her stomach flip like it always does when Vanessa does _that_. 

Nobody’s ever been able to read her like Vanessa can: she’s spent so much of her life putting up walls and barriers, playing a part to please other people, molding her personality for the person she wants just so they’d want her back. 

It’s never been like that with Vanessa. There was never any pretense, not even at the start: when everything was still so delicate and fragile. Vanessa sees through every mask Charity’s ever tried to put on and has broken through every wall she’s tried to put up. And somehow, Vanessa still loves what she sees anyway.

It still frightens her sometimes. How well Vanessa knows her. 

( _Because how much of it can she take? No one’s ever seen all of Charity and then stayed_.)

“Are you okay?” Vanessa finally asks, breaking Charity out of her trance. “It’s just that today’s been a lot, hasn’t it?” 

“I’m fine,” Charity dismisses with a weak smile, “Are _you_ okay?” 

“Yeah. I’m alright.” Vanessa replies, and Charity feels strangely off-balance again, isn’t sure if she should say more, probe and ask questions to get Vanessa to open up. 

She decides against it. 

For now. 

“Well then, how about we get you in that bath, hey?” Vanessa takes a step towards Charity at the suggestion but Charity stands up before she can come any closer; crosses the room and walks towards Vanessa instead, places a gentle hand on her elbow and pulls her towards the stairs.

Vanessa leans into Charity’s touch and moves her arm so it is looped around the crook of Charity’s elbow, and there are no words to describe the relief that washes over Charity when she feels Vanessa lean on her slightly as they walk up the stairs, arm in arm. 

_That’s a start,_ Charity thinks. 

She’d carry Vanessa all the way across the world and back if she had to. 

**

She nips to the shop once she’s sure Vanessa’s settled in the bath. She was reluctant to leave, but Vanessa had looked so peaceful, and she reckons Vanessa could do with the alone time.

Earlier, she had promised Vanessa a relaxing afternoon and _well,_ she plans on keeping every single promise she has ever made and will ever make Vanessa. No matter how big or small - so even though their afternoon was anything but relaxing, they still have the rest of the day ahead of them. She thinks that she could convince Vanessa to have a movie night with her instead. They do still have the rest of that film to finish. And Vanessa deserves to relax. Especially after the day she’s had.

The walk to David’s clears her head a little - she’s never been good when she’s left alone with her own mind, but these days, she’s learning to find peace in the absence of noise - and this time, the little bit of quiet and the fresh air actually does help her sort herself out after the little cry she had earlier. 

She even manages to hush the nagging voice in the back of her mind: the one that’s telling her she’s _suffocating_ Vanessa and that she’s _useless_ and that no matter how hard she tries, she’ll never be good enough. When the thoughts become quiet enough for her to hear herself think, Charity mentally shoves her insecurities back into a neat little box in her mind. She doesn't need them, won't entertain them for another second, because she's determined to be different this time. No matter what gets thrown at her - she refuses to let her anxieties get the best of her, plans on fighting against every instinct she has to lash out and focus her energy on being the best she can be for Vanessa instead. 

She makes sure she remembers to pick up a couple more of the chocolate bars she knows Vanessa likes. Vanessa probably won’t be able to stomach too much of it, but it’s the thought that counts. She wants to make Vanessa feel as normal as possible.

_And anyway, the kids will probably steal them as soon as they think she isn’t looking, so it’s not like the food will go to waste._

**

Vanessa’s out of the bath and sitting at the foot of their bed by the time she gets back. She’s absentmindedly running a comb through the length of her hair, staring blankly out the window from where she’s sitting. Charity takes the opportunity to stare at Vanessa - admires how the evening light is hitting her just right: how it accentuates her cheekbones and makes her eyes glisten - she’s floored by how drop-dead gorgeous Vanessa is, how after all these years, even just _looking_ at Vanessa still makes her heart beat a bit faster. 

She looks small - even smaller than she already is - and it breaks Charity’s heart. She has to fight to swallow the lump that begins to form in her throat as she heads towards the spot beside Vanessa, sitting down carefully before looping her arms around Vanessa’s waist, tugging her closer until their sides are pressed up against each other's. Vanessa wordlessly sinks into her hold.

“I’m really proud of you, you know, for telling the kids today.” The sentiment spills out of her before she can stop it, and she freezes as soon as it comes out of her mouth, braces herself for the way Vanessa’s going to react.

That’s one of the things Charity hates the most about this whole thing too. It’s not enough that the news has pulled the rug from under her, now she has to live with the fact that she suddenly doesn’t know Vanessa as well as she thought did. She can no longer anticipate what Vanessa's going to do next, and it fills her with dread. In all honesty, Charity thinks it’s probably because half the time, Vanessa doesn’t know what she’s going to do next either. 

So she's taken by surprise when she feels Vanessa soften in her arms, falling further into her embrace.

“Couldn’t have done it without you, you know,” Vanessa murmurs, leaning her head until it rests against Charity’s shoulder, “So thank you, for being there with me today.”

“Don’t be daft, you don’t need to thank me. They’re our kids. We’re in this together, remember?” 

Charity feels Vanessa hums softly in agreement, and for the first time in days, something warm settles in her stomach, though it doesn't erase all the guilt she's been feeling since yesterday. So she tenses her shoulder, lets out a deep sigh, and apologizes. “I’m sorry I didn’t push you more, you know, about telling the kids.”

“I was the one who didn't want to, you were just respecting my decision.” Vanessa dismisses, but Charity isn't done.

“I should’ve pushed more,” She insists, fingers digging deeper as her arm tightens around Vanessa’s waist, “It’s clearly helped you, I mean - you look like a weight’s been lifted off your shoulders." She pauses, ponders her next words for a moment, "Tracy was right, yeah? And I’m glad they know now. It’ll give them some time to adjust before your surgery and all too.”

“Yeah, I guess,” Vanessa tilts her head up a little, and she lets out a tired sigh, “I hated that we had to tell them, but they took it well considering, didn’t they?” she shifts restlessly in Charity’s arms, and Charity’s hand comes up to Vanessa’s upper arm in response, rubbing back and forth gently until she feels the tension seep away from Vanessa’s shoulders as she continues, “That stuff Sarah said, about knowing what it’s like - it was so sweet that she offered to be there for me if I wanted to talk.” 

Charity beams proudly at that. She is so unbelievably _proud_ of Noah and Sarah, of how well they took the news. She knows how terrified they must be at the prospect of losing Vanessa, but she’s in awe of how well they kept it together.

She doesn’t know where they get all that strength from, but she’ll happily take credit for it if anyone asks. 

“Do you remember what you used to tell me, when Sarah was poorly and I was spending nights by her bedside, waiting for her to get better?” Charity feels Vanessa scoff gently in her arms.

“I’m assuming you’re on about me staying positive and all that, how there’s scientific evidence that being optimistic really helps with illnesses like cancer-” She trails off, rolling her eyes when she glances up and sees that Charity has raised her eyebrows, a smirk on her lips, “I know, I know.” 

“I didn’t say anything, Babe.” Charity replies, resting her head gently on top of Vanessa’s. Vanessa nestles further into her arms.

“It’s just hard, you know,” She huffs, “The whole staying positive malarkey you all keep bangin’ on about. I just need to feel sorry for myself sometimes.”

“I know,” Charity's voice is the kindest it's ever been when it comes out. She wants to make sure Vanessa knows she means everything she says genuinely, “And you can be anything you want with me, alright?” She pulls away just so she can bump her shoulders gently against Vanessa’s before pulling her back in, “As long as you let me remind you about the positive stuff every once in a while.”

“It’s harder than that though, isn’t it,” Vanessa’s voice is small. She sounds so tired. “I don’t even know that surgery’s going to help or that chemo’s going to make it better, and I just-,” She swallows, “I have to be ready for the worst to happen.”

“But you don’t know that the worst is going to happen either, do you?” Charity fires back quickly. She doesn't know when she started buying into all of that _stay positive_ crap. It's not like her at all - somewhere along the way Vanessa must have really rubbed off on her. “We don’t really know what’s going to happen - and we can prepare for it, and we _will._ If that’s what you want, if that’ll make you feel better - but we should be saving your energy too, yeah? So the medicine can do its job. We shouldn’t waste it on worrying over things we have no control about, should we? It would be silly, wouldn't it, it’d be like,” Charity trails off, pausing for a moment to find the right words that would get her point across to Vanessa. She settles for exactly what she means when she doesn't succeed after a while. “Well, you’d just be worrying twice, really. And what's the point in that?”

Charity risks glancing down at Vanessa then, watches as her words settle across Vanessa's features. She panics when she sees Vanessa's bottom lip wobble as she takes her next breath, but when Vanessa glances up at her there's a proud smile on her face. It makes Charity's heart swell, “When did you get so wise?”

“I had a good teacher,” Charity replies, heat creeping up through her chest and rushing to her face, “So how ‘bout this, when you start worrying again, you talk to me, alright? And we can find the silver lining, together.”

“Sounds like a deal,” Vanessa shifts then, pulling out of Charity’s arms. She turns her body until she’s facing Charity instead, reaches out for both Charity’s hands, lifting them before moving their clasped hands until it’s between them, fingers intertwined. “And I’m really sorry you know, that Tracy had a go at you. That I said those things.” She says quietly.

Charity’s face falls, and Vanessa squeezes Charity’s hands, keeping them firmly in place when Charity goes to pull them away, “So you did say them words then? They came from you.” Charity whispers, her voice thick with emotion. 

“I don’t know what she said to you, and I'll talk to her, she shouldn't have said all that stuff to you,” Vanessa starts, looking away from Charity and shifting her attention to their joint hands instead, “and I didn’t really mean for what I said to come out the way it did. You said you’ve been on one earlier - well I’ve been kind of been on one too, and I know you’re doing the best you can, I just - well I’ve never had cancer before have I? Half the time I’m reacting to things before I even know I’m reacting to them.” 

“It’s okay, Ness. I get it, alright? You don’t have to be sorry. This isn’t about me.”

“It’s not okay though,” Vanessa shakes her head, thumb stroking gently over their clasped hands. She untangles their fingers enough to free one of her hands - uses it to tuck the loose strands of hair that have fallen across Charity’s face back behind one ear. She rests her hand against her cheek after, gently tracing the lines of Charity’s face. Charity’s eyes flutter shut at the touch, “Because you’re trying your best, and you’ve been so brilliant and patient with me. I know I'm being unfair, and I shouldn’t be taking it out on you.”

“Well, it doesn’t matter to me, yeah? I’m here for you, whatever you need. Even if it’s for you to take things out on.”

“Well, at the very least, I shouldn’t be complaining about you,” Vanessa smooths her thumb over the wrinkles at the corners of Charity’s eyes, waits patiently for Charity to meet her gaze before she continues, “Will you forgive me?”

“There’s nothing to forgive,” Charity smiles reassuringly, nuzzling into the hand that’s on her cheek before turning to place a gentle kiss on the palm of it, “That’s what married people do, isn’t it? Complain about each other?” 

When their eyes meet again, Charity is mesmerized at how startlingly blue Vanessa’s eyes are. They sparkle under the light that streams from the window, and there’s a twinkle in them she hasn’t seen since they stood under the gazebo in matching white dresses, “Married, huh?” 

“Yeah, you're not getting out of that babe - still plan on making you a Dingle of you yet, just in case you thought being poorly lets you off the hook,” Charity jokes and the laugh that bubbles out of Vanessa is genuine. It sounds like music to Charity's ears.

“Might take us a while to get there, you know,” Vanessa teases, leaning in to rest her forehead against Charity's.

“We’ve already waited this long, so what’s a little bit more time, right?" Charity grins, meeting Vanessa halfway, "I’m in for the duration, so bring it on.”

**


End file.
